Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
