remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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