My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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