this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize