This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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