the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
