Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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