Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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