Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
