Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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