the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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