im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
