is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
