Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
