Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
