Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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