I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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