i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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