I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
