Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize