we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
