so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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