So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
