I must be too annoying 4 u.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
