I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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