I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
