Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
