I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
