Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize