I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
