i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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