She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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