I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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