my vag is so smooth its legendary
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
