Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
