Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
