Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
