Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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