It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
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So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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