So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
