As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
