i permit you to call me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
