I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
