I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
