time to smoke my breakfast
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
