His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
