You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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