Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
