JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
