I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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