life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
