he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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