i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
