my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
