I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
