Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
