So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
