Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
