Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
