I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
